I just sneezed in the middle of yawning and trying to run to the bathroom to pee. It was probably the most confusing my body’s felt since my last awkward sexual experience… Except with more stimulation and this time I’m sober. If I had farted it may have been more enjoyable than past exploits too.
I was traveling and made the mistake of going on a date with a guy who was mildly attractive. I may have also been hypnotized by the rain and we made out.
I don’t want to interact with him again, but I can’t exactly tell him to drive off a cliff because I do business in the smallish city where he lives. As I’m likely to run into him at some point, all I can do is rant here. He continues to send me text messages that are annoying, creepy, and worst of all laden with improper spelling and grammar. Here’s one of them:
Hi girl I hope I didn’t say anything to stupid last time, I was just trying to say You’d be pretty even if u had a club foot.last class of the semester last night for me when’s your break?next week I find out my average and if I can continue on scholarship, i hope your good what r u doing 4 Xmas
At first it appears to just be another of his idiotic and poorly thought out messages that I would normally delete. Upon closer inspection, you’ll notice that he mentioned that I’d be pretty “even if [I] had a club foot.” I guess that’s a pretty big compliment for someone who can’t figure out the difference between “to” and “too” as well as “your” and “you’re.”
And how the fuck is this guy on scholarship? If those are their standards, maybe I should have gone to school there. Then again, judging by rest of the population, I’d be state valedictorian.
a piece I did for Gallery 1988’s upcoming show “Is This Thing On?”
Galifianakis. Blazer. Orange. Marijuana. Dreams do come true.
Damien Hirst + Fast Food Nation = Soulmate
Despite the implication that McDonald’s is the gateway to death, I could really go for some right now, and not even to do something great like rendering Mt. Rushmore in chicken nuggets either. What kind of creature am I?